A new human subspecies crawled forth from a Marine Corp tent in Iraq this week. Not one, but two of these hideous specimens were spotted tossing a puppy off a cliff just moments after they'd been seen picking each other's noses.
Scientist immediately collected DNA samples to determine whether or not these two advanced forms of primordial scum were in anyway genetically similar to a former Atlanta Falcons Quarterback unearthed last year in North America.
According to Evolutionary Geneticist Dr. Kilem Freaks of Gingivitis State University. "It's rare to discover one hominid subspecies that evolved without a spine, well enough two on two continents." He went on two add, "The DNA similarities are quite astonishing. In fact we are rerunning the test just to be sure, but it appears Michael Vick may actually be the lost love-child of these two murderous Marines. Oorah!
While a team of scientists continue there in-depth research, Congress Woman Stella Lize-Themall proposed that the nation's cities abandon their fanatically floundering and failed Breed Specific Legislation (BS Legislation) attempts and move on to a more logical approach to cleansing the mammalian gene pool of defective DNA. Lize-Themall suggested Human Specific Legislation. The four guiding principals of the legislation are as follows.
1) Removal from the Gene Pool - Puppy murderers and dog fighters would be immediately castrated or sterilized with the exact same amount of anesthetic they gave the dogs before abusing them. Any living children of these offenders would also be immediately spayed/neutered to appease BS supporters who feel genes determine everything.
2) No Cost to the Public - Bills to recoup financial costs for the sterilization and incarceration of this spineless hominid subspecies will be sent to whatever pro ball team or armed forces branch they belong to. If they are not a member of any such organization, I'll happily pay the bill!
3) Reuse and Recycle - The supply of extremely tiny little balls resulting from the castrations will be sent to HuMenue Foods and ground into prison cafeteria food.
4) Decreasing the Trade Deficit - There will be a mandatory 40 year incarceration after castration. Then these ball-less, spineless creatures will be embedded in clear plastic and sold as displays to casinos in Beijing.
Meantime, an anonymous source reports that the city of Denver Colorado has offered both Marines a spot on the town council in the event they are bitch-slapped out of the service, as they should be. One of the Marines involved is reported to have responded to the offer by saying, "Denver? Isn't that there one of them fancy Omelet things? I used to light chickens on fire back on the farm."